I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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