that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
