I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
