My room smells like vodka and shame
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
