worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
