this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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