shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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