i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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