Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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