Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
