The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
