so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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