Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
