you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
