I wanna passion pit in your ass
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
