If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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