girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
