remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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