She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I look better un-naked...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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