I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
