I'm going to jail i love you
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
did i just pee glitter
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
