I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize