There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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