And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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