she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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