the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
