I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
