oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
