He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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