My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
