I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
