Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
