Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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