I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
