took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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