At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
