"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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