The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
