Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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