I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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