I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
