Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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