So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He has the fingertips of a God
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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