He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
