dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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