Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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