if i died would you start the facebook group?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Randomize
