sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize