I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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