I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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