Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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