I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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