On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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