if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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