my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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