you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
