dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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