I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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