The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
