My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I will be naked everywhere
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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