2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
