I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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