I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
