did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
