Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
